You Had Me at ‘Bigger Alligators’: Times Readers Pitch Summer Blockbusters

Abbot Genser/Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Films I have two words for you: “Cage” and “karate.”

In a feature for this week’s Arts & Leisure section, The Times’s Brooks Barnes examined the inner-workings of Hollywood’s blockbuster factory by asking a team of insiders to diagnose the potential problems of a fake summer film, “Red, White & Blood.” (No one objected to the title, at least.)

We asked Times readers to come up with their own blockbuster pitches, and they didn’t disappoint. Whil some kept it short and sweet â€" “Faster cars, younger women and bigger alligators,” drsophila wrote â€" or overly stretched the bounds of believability â€" lydgate proposed a remake of “Liar, Liar” in which “all public figures have to tell the truth every time they open their mouths” â€" quite a few came up with films that seem destined for a multiplex near you.

We’ve posted some of the best below, broken down by genre. Let us know your favorites in the comments. (You can also find the rest of them here.) Note to film executives: the work below remains the intellectual property of the authors but we wouldn’t ! say no to a couple points on the back end as a finder’s fee.

ACTION

Twin brothers (both played by Channing Tatum), one a C.I.A. operative, the other an international criminal. C.I.A. Tatum suspects Criminal Tatum of participating in a terrorist plot to blow stuff up (N.Y.S.E. in N.Y., the Capitol in D.C., Grauman’s Chinese Theater in L.A.). Cue explosions, ridiculous weaponry, and a final plot twist wherein Criminal Tatum helps thwart the plot and dies saving everything, except Grauman’s. (There’s still one Tatum left for the sequel.) â€" EC, New York, N.Y.

Think “Bourne Identity,” but as an origin story for a character from the Marvel universe (Paladin?). He’s a super-smart country boy who joins the Army to fight terrorists (cue battlefield flashbacks). Cut to him in a super-soldier training program. Ashis missions become morally questionable, he quits and becomes a mercenary (show daring missions). His former handlers capture his childhood sweetheart and the climactic scene is him breaking her out of a secret underwater compound. - Nate, CA

Young, hip Silicon Valley hotshots are recruited by the U.S. government to combat a secretive terrorist group set on starting a war between America and China by hacking public infrastructure. They are paired with a jaded-with-a-heart-of-gold Afghanistan Navy SEAL vet as power grids fail, dams break, and nuclear weapons are on the verge of being launched. Old-fashioned low-tech gumption and teamwork save the day. â€" Chris, SF

FAMILY

“Harry Potter” + “Jurassic Park” + â€! œWilly Wo! nka”: A poor orphan (some kid) is one of eight children to win a special sneak peak of the world’s first Magical Creature Zoo. He quickly befriends the eccentric park owner (Ben Stiller), a cute girl in the group and creatures on display. A business rival (Christoph Waltz) causes an accident resulting in the creatures running amok. The orphan must put the park back in order and save the cute girl. â€" Tyler W, NYC

ROM-COM

Title: “The Wedding Critic
”
Tagline: Everyone’s a critic, especially when it comes to love.

Think “Sex and the City” meets “The Wedding Crashers.” 

Tom Connolly’s seven sisters taught him everything about weddings, including that he never wanted his own. But when his experience lands him a gig writing restaurant-style wedding reviews for a major paper, he skewers one after another until attendig a young couple’s wedding where the groom has a terminal disease. Realizing that the paper’s wedding photographer is the love of his life, he pulls out all the stops to win her hand. â€" Rian Sheehan, Fayetteville, Ark.

SCI-FI

It’s like “The Warriors,” but set in prehistoric times. A group of early humans is separated from their tribe and must fight their way through monstrous ancient creatures and Neanderthals to get home. Whole thing is related vérité style by a group of time-traveling researchers. Twist at the end: the researchers are from the past and the prehistorical setting turns out to be Earth’s distant future. â€" michaelB, Brooklyn



Title: “78.5 Minutes”


Hydraulic fracki! ng for na! tural gas is causing progressively larger and more special-effect filled earthquakes. The president takes to YouTube to tell us the truth: The earth is now actually splitting into two halves, which will hurtle off in space in 78.5 minutes. The president decides to use the deutronium bomb â€" a cold-fusion device which will freeze the world’s oceans â€" thus holding the planet together for a sequel. But an evil Texas oil magnate won’t have it. On board Air Force One, he goes mano a mano with the president… while the deutronium bomb rolls around in the cargo container. â€" Byrd, Orange County, Calif.

ZOMBIES

Title: “Wise-Zombies”

Tag-Line: You’ll believe a man can shamble.

Pitch: Three wise-cracking tough guys (Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, and Steve Buscemi) find they’re out of luck when they get bitten during the zombie apocalpse. Flash-forward six months as these shambling nobodies find out there’s a cure for zombieism being held in a highly-protected government base. Cue heist. Cue explosions. Cue profit. â€" Billy Peery, Fla.

Title: “Brain Dead”


Unemployed young people wandering endlessly around convention center job fairs decide to turn themselves into zombies. That way, their food is free, and no one cares they don’t have careers. Anna Kendrick plays the government liaison for the newly undead and provides them “job training,” helping them establish socially acceptable means of feeding and hygiene so that zombies and humans may live in harmony. The catch? She falls in love with one of the voluntarily deceased and decides to throw away her bureaucratic fantasy of a life to join her partner in undead bliss. The End. â€" S.A., Kansas

WHATEVER THIS IS

Title: “Thunderous Roar”


SoCal karate instructors of varying ethnicities get stranded on a remote South Pacific island in a cruise-ship wreck. We discover a maniacal hermit (Nic Cage) has been causing shipwrecks to find gorgeous women, while killing the men. After he collects 1,000 women in an giant pit, he will fill it with bronze to create the world’s largest bas-relief sculpture. Our heroes must use karate teamwork to save the women and cruise-ship them to safety. Check please. â€" Marc, New York